The Long Journey Through Life

Sorry this is so long, but a lot has happened, and nothing would fit together if you didn’t know the whole story, and besides, I left out some parts.

I realized from my last posts nothing about me was really told except for my views and my sister. So this time I’ll make it more interesting. Here’s a little bit about me.

My name is private, something I won’t tell, but I am 14 years old. I have seven brothers, no full brothers, just step and half. I have 2 half brothers, one of them has the same birthday as me, so he is exactly a year younger than me. I haven’t seen him in maybe two years. He lives with my step mother and my step brother, which are technically not step anymore. The other one is also 13, but his birthday is in october on the 14th, not exactly a month after mine, but pretty close. He’s the one I live with. The others are step, but I’m not sure about one. I don’t know if he actually my brother, and I’ve never met him. Another one of them isn’t my brother anymore, because my father and his ex-wife are well… Separated. I haven’t seen him in maybe two years. Another one of them isn’t technically my brother, because my mother and her fiance are not married. The other ones are the oldest besides the one I don’t really know about. I haven’t seen one of them in maybe 3-4 years. The other one I haven’t seen since I was much younger.

 

I have four sisters, two of them are full siblings. Three of them live with me. The other is turning 18 this month, and I haven’t seen her since she was three. So, I don’t remember her. I have her as a friend on my facebook, finally. I have only had her on my facebook for a few months now. I’m really happy to be in contact with her. She is my step sister. My youngest sister is five years old, she will be six in June. She is my half sister. She’s my little angel, my bouncing ball of joy. I’d literally do anything for her. My two full sisters are both older than me. One is 16, since April. She is the one I wrote about before. The other one is pregnant, she’s 19, since March. They are both very close to me. The oldest raised me and my siblings that live with me, and my other sister is my best friend. Me and her did everything together up until maybe a little over a year ago, still trying to get used to the fact we are not as close as we used to be.

 

I live with my mom, my three sisters and my younger brother. We live in a small two bedroom apartment with my mother’s fiancé and my older sister’s fiancé. The two guys are close in age, but my mom is older than her fiancé by at least nine years. My oldest sister is pregnant with a little baby girl named Emma Jessica Rose. If the baby was a boy, his name would be James Alan Lee. My mom is the one working up until today because my almost brother-in-law got a job yesterday (congratulations), so she was the only one paying bills. She works very hard, third shift. My almost step-dad isn’t around right now due to personal issues. Since my sister is pregnant and due in September, my mom doesn’t want her working because she would have to leave after a couple of months for her pregnancy, so it’s just not worth it.

Lets start from when I was born, My real father is not in my life because he doesn’t want to be. He wanted to be at first, but then after he left my step-mom for a 17 year old, I told him I wanted nothing to do with him, because his girlfriend told us we ruined his life. My oldest sister and her fiancé lived with them for a long time, but then my father kicked them out because he claimed my sisters fiancé and her were not doing anything. While my father was with my step-mother, he went to work, then would come home, go straight to his room and play a game called “Call of Gods” all day. If we wanted his attention, we were to sit on his lap while he played his game, or beg him to play any game with us. Most of the time, we begged him, but after a while, it became too much work, and me and my older sister would play the wii with my brothers. We all became really close.

Since we only live in a two bedroom apartment, one of the rooms go to me, my older sister and my youngest sister. The other room goes to my younger brother. We all have futons that turn into beds besides my brother, he has a small cot. My mom didn’t get those till taxes this year, and we have been living in our apartment since September. Then, me and my sisters had a mattress laying on our floor, my brother had a pink poof chair that was originally my oldest sisters and the rest of my family bought air mattress after air mattress because all of them would end up with a hole in them.

I go to a really good school called New Tech. It’s a higher educated school, and also project based. There is another school here called Black River, it’s a private school and according to usnews.com, also ranked the top 7th school in Michigan, but it’s because of their test scores. Turns out, New Tech’s test scores are much higher and the only reason we can’t brag about it, is because New Tech is connected to Holland High, and they don’t have the best test scores. So instead of having our test scores bragged about, we have to stay quiet. Also, my school does what they call the “Early College” program. Which means we get two free years of college while we are in school, but we have a 13th year of High school. It covers our associates degree. We will walk with our class for our 12th year graduation, but will not get our high school diploma yet. In our 13th year of college, we will graduate, get our diploma, and also get our associates degree diploma. Only certain people get accepted, and those are who have at least a 2.0 GPA. They haven’t started doing this yet, but they will next school year. We also may not be a part of Holland High.

When I was young, my mom and dad decided we were moving to South Carolina because things were cheaper, and my dad was trying to hide from the police. I became homeschooled in 2nd grade because my mom didn’t like the schools, so she homeschooled me, my two sisters and my little brother, Julie was just born, so she didn’t need to be in school. Our last year of being in South Carolina, my two older sisters decided to be in public school. We moved back to Michigan four years after moving to South Carolina because we had family missing us and my mom wanted to come back. Since we moved down to South Carolina and back, I had lived in 2 missions, 2 campers, countless peoples houses and countless hotels/motels, we usually we live in a trailer. We lived up by Traverse City (East Jordan, actually) for a few years, because that’s where my family lived. We were living in a camper where my dad tried to get custody of me and my sisters. He failed because he had never been there for us, I barely remembered him, but he did end up getting visitation rights. One day, people came to my grandmothers house, and offered my dad a new job, but we would have to move. Three. Hours. Away. We had 15 minutes to decided, so my mom took the offer.

Since we moved from there, we have also lived in countless people houses, not only here in Holland, but also in Hudsonville. When we first got here, we lived in a camper in Zeeland. We spent our summer in the campground and spent the winter there too, even though technically we weren’t supposed to, but I started going to public school for the first time. After we moved out, we moved to Holland in a beautiful little house. I really miss that house. That’s where my mom and fiance met. She left my step dad because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. She didn’t intend on leaving him, but he went to jail. She met her fiance on a two track because my older brother was living with us at the time, and she let him use her old van. He took the full size van on two track, got it stuck and had my mom save them. That’s when they met. Ashley, her fiance, was with my brother Micheal. They got together on May 6th, the day my amazing cousin Jesse passed away. After a while of living at my house, my step dad came back with no notification while he was in jail that my mom was leaving him. When got back, she told him. I also started dating someone while we lived there, then we broke up and I went out with someone else. It was actually someone that Ashley knew, one of his roommates sons. My older sister met her fiance there too. A few months later, my parents got engaged and school was out. We moved out into Ashley’s small house that he was living in with 4-5 other people. It was a 3 bedroom, and people were spending the night there all the time, so it was crowded pretty much 24/7. After time, one of the people who were living there, my boyfriends mother, left with her son into her boyfriends house not far from there. Then, he broke up with me a few months later. By that time, everyone was moved out except for 2 other people and the rest of my family, including Brandon, my sisters fiance. For seventh grade, I was homeschooled because the public school I went to the year before told me I wasn’t aloud to go to that school anymore because I had too many absences the year before that.

After months of living in Holland, we got evicted from our house and had to move in with the person we were living with before they moved out. We moved to Hudsonville into her trailer and met tons of people. We stayed there for summer, one of best summers of my life, I dated lots of boys, and then I started eigth grade in september. After the most amazing summers ever, and a pretty good life at school, I moved again. We got kicked out of the place we were living and had to stay with my older, not oldest, but older sisters new boyfriends house that she had started dating before summer vacation. My mom and his mom got into plenty of arguments even though they were friends before and we had to move out.

We moved into Holland again with Ashley’s cousin and I missed the person I was with so bad, same with my sister. After a while, we moved out of there, into a motel, then we moved back into there and then my brother and cousin got into a huge fight and had to leave. We had no where to go, so we packed up our stuff and went to mission. I started school in Holland before we moved out the first time and started going to New Tech. The best school ever. I talked to my boyfriend everyday, my sister talked to her boyfriend everyday. Life was great. I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, so we broke up. I started liking someone else a lot, and my sister’s boyfriend broke up with her. I became friends with some amazing people. My sister made friends out of those people too. I started dating the person I liked, after he broke up with me twice before because of three other people (I know, stupid choice.) Tryna, my sister, started dating Jose, who liked me before, but then found more potential and beauty in Tryna.

School ended, I cried. I spent the entire summer with my family, Jose and my boyfriend. I went to a ton of places, including the famous birthday bash two day concert, saw Hunter Hayes, and had a ton a fun. In september, me and my boyfriend broke up after school started because we both went to different schools and people talked a lot. I liked someone else, I went to Homecoming with another person, got into a ton of trouble and did a lot of really bad things. My best friend from where I used to live passed away. My best friend Nicole was gone. We moved into the apartment we have now before me and my ex broke up.

A little while later, I got called so many names and started coming home crying all the time. I couldn’t handle the pain I was going through. I wanted to change so bad. So I did, I became a better person and found someone I really liked more than anyone else. I went to a misHe was the one I went to homecoming with, and he treated me better than anyone else ever did. He was the perfect image of everything I ever wanted. I was scared to be with him because I was afraid of what everyone would say, so I told him I didn’t want to be with him. It hurt him, it crushed him so bad… But he was still around. He was still there by my side. I dated other people throughout that time, and I know it upset him. I felt bad the entire time. The people I was dating weren’t the best, except for one, but he was way too much like my brother. So I broke up with him. The guy I liked talked about other girls all the time and I was very jealous. It made me realize that if I was going to be jealous over them, maybe it was a sign. So I told him I still liked him and he was so happy. We hung out a couple times and started dating not long after. We started dating on April 12th. We were both happy, but kept it quiet because my ex boyfriend before that was told I was going to break up with him for Jakob, my new boyfriend, which wasn’t true. I didn’t want anyone to think that, so I waited to tell everyone. I also lost my other best friend, Caty, but she didn’t die. She changed. She stopped being my friend for someone else who didn’t like me. I actually can’t talk to this other girl because through our school and the police, we have a no contact order. That’s the girl my exbestfriend is friends with. Caty only talks to me when the other girl is not around. Most of the time, she ignores me. She talks about me a lot, but no matter how much she does to me, I miss her so much.

Now, I still live in the same apartment, my oldest sister is pregnant, my moms fiance is in jail right now for child support. We don’t have everything we want and money is tight, but it’s all worth it. We don’t care how much we don’t have, because we have each other. We have our family, a roof over our heads, food to eat, things to drink and love. I’ve been through a lot, but they have been there to lift me back up, even when they said if I fell, they would just let my face smack into the pavement.  But here they stand, here I stand… I used to be worse, but I’ve come so far. Granted, I’m not perfect, I never will be, but I think, and other people think, I’ve changed. Some people think for the better, and those who liked me for other things besides who I really am, for the worse. I’m done caring what other people think about me, because it doesn’t matter. As long as I know who I am, that’s all that should matter. I am me. If someone doesn’t like that, they’re not worth my time.

Dear Myself

Dear Myself,

Make the right choices, even if it’s hard. Be who you want to be. Stop caring so much what other people think, because in the end, it’s your opinion that matters most. Keep in mind that perfection is just a state of mind, so trying to be perfect for everyone and anyone is impossible.  If they really care about you, they won’t keep criticizing you, telling you what you are doing wrong and who you should be, and just let you be happy. They would stop complaining to you and talk to you instead.  If they cared, they would just allow you to be happy with who you are. You know your own view is on yourself,  don’t let people ruin that. You know what’s thats like already. you know what happened last time. Don’t do it again. Most of all believe in yourself and stop being so scared of everything. No is going to anything because you are loved by so many people, and to those who do something, they are the ones that are scared. They don’t matter anyways. Be your self. Believe it, know it, live it. Be you, not who they want you to be. Remember that. All the stuff that people say about you, the names they call you, even though it circles around in your head every day, don’t listen to it. Don’t believe it, you know the truth. You know who you are. You know who you want to be later on, what things you need to fix, that doesn’t mean you need people reminding of that every day, or coming up with new things. Don’t let them change you. When you see that you need to change something, you have the strength to do that. I know you think you aren’t the best, but learn that you are. You know it’ll take some time. You know it’s not going to be easy, but you also know you have the strength do that and that time heals most. You can do it. You know you can. Those other people are just jealous of you, they are trying to get to you, to get you to react. You know reacting doesn’t solve anything, and it just gets you and them mad, so just walk away, talk to your counselor, you know she can help. You also know that when you react, you are giving them what they want, and if you are mad at them, why would you give them what they want? Also, when you react, your giving the power of you to them. Like saying “Here, have the power over me.” Like a voodoo doll of yourself. Those anger problems, the depression problems, the anxiety that they say you have… Prove. Them. Wrong. Prove them all wrong that say that. You don’t need the depression pills or the counseling. You can ignore them. Close your eyes, count to ten, walk away. Remember what your grandfather told your mother? “If it’s not going to matter two weeks from now, forget it and ignore it.” Keep your head up no matter what happens.

 

Forever and Always,

Me.

The Good, The Bad, and Tulip Time

 

 

Every year, my town, Holland, has Tulip Time, where tons of people come from out of town to tour around Holland, sometimes on a special bus. It takes 30 minutes to go right down the road a couple of blacks and 15 minutes to get back to your house because of traffic. It’s great. There’s a carnival, a parade,  fireworks for the Tulip Time kickoff, dutch dancers, because Holland is a dutch city, an arts and crafts show, which my little sister is absolutely in love with and many, many other exciting things. It’s a great time of year, everyone is pumped and happy. Just like every other holiday or seasons or whatever, there’s good things, and there’s bad things.

My favorite thing about Tulip Time is all the beautiful tulips, the carnival, fireworks, how everyone is usually in a great mood and especially every year when you walk outside of around downtown, the wind blows the smell of candy, elephant ears, popcorn and pizza right into your face. After you eat, you decide to go to fair and have fun for hours on end, you’re feeling pumped just thinking about it. You ride a couple of really awesome rides that spin and flip and turn. 

Then you get on that one ride that makes you feel like you are going to throw all of that amazing food up when you get off of it. You sit at the table for half an hour because your stomach hurts so bad, no rides, and you try to eat. It helps a little bit, but the food cost so much that that’s all you could buy. This happened to me last weekend. Water helped too, but eventually, my friend ran out of that also. Never eat cotton candy with a stomach ache. It does not help at all. It makes it hurt. Too much sugar all at once. 

Also, people try to look good for a fair. There are rides that go way up in the sky and twist and mess up your hair that you spent 45 minutes on and if you are wearing shorts, you are going to freeze on the ferris wheel, so you end up asking yourself “Why I put makeup on?” and sometimes later on you will also yourself “How do I smell like outdoors? I put perfume on!” Instead, you will smell like you rolled around in mud. I’m not saying I don’t like outdoors, in fact, I love the outdoors, but I don’t like that girls, and sometimes guys, look like they are going to a club for something that’s outside, where they will get smelly and their breath will smell like nachos later. It’s not worth the makeup or time. Go natural, then you don’t have to worry about your hair becoming a mess after hours of hard work.

Also, people are so pushy and it’s so crowded. When I went to fair, I accidently touched someones butt, it was a guy I knew from 8th grade that I didn’t really talk to or knew that well. I don’t like that it’s so crowded and people shove through you or push you to the side. You get touched in places that are uncomfortable and definitely not supposed to be touched. You wait in line for 30 minutes for a ride that last five minutes. There goes 35 minutes of your life down the drain.

Other than all of those terrible things that happen, it’s really great. It’s so beautiful. I have the most memories in summer, and Tulip Time is in May, so it’s warming up and becoming summer. Tulip Time is really emotional for me because of these memories I know that May isn’t summer, but I have a lot of memories at this time of year too. It makes me an emotional wreck on the inside, happy on the outside, but hey, as I go, I make new memories, new ones to miss later on, and then after I’m done being upset, I can smile and remember how far I’ve come from then. I used to not like the person I was, I was really bad. Now I hate to brag, but I’ve come a long way. I’m definitely a better person, a good person. My greatest goal in life is to spread that good around and make people smile and personally, I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job.

She’s All Grown Up

Not long ago, it was my sisters sweet 16. April 24th actually. It was tons of fun, especially because we weren’t at home, and I got to help decorate the room. We went to this place called BAM. It’s a bowling alley, arcade, bar and restaurant. There were tons of people there for her, and even more that weren’t. It was really loud, and I had to take care of the Real Care baby, like the ones you get from school. I was really frustrated because I couldn’t hear when she was crying. After awhile, I calmed down and started having even more fun. 

No matter how much fun I was having I was always on the edge of tears.

I had to face the fact my sister wasn’t a little girl anymore. My childhood friend, my sister, was growing up. She wasn’t the same young girl I once knew. She wasn’t in to getting muddy anymore, and she was starting to like going on dates. She wasn’t going to be hanging around me anymore, even though I’m 14. She wasn’t going to be staying up with me all hours of the night like we used to. We wouldn’t be laughing so hard we could breathe anymore. I knew all these things wouldn’t be happening as much as they used to, though I was growing up too. Some of those things I didn’t want to do anymore either. I knew all of this before she was 16, but this is when it really hit me, when I knew I had to accept it. She was moving on from childhood. She had a boyfriend now, someone she had been with for over a year. She was enjoying the fact that some of her decorations were pink instead of green and blue. She didn’t mind, which was weird because pink used to be her most hated color. Now she didn’t mind? This was not the same girl I knew before. 

No matter how much I kept this in mind, her and I still had so much fun. We played games together, laser tag and everything. You could tell we were not only sisters, but best friends. This was something we hadn’t done in a while. We were so close, but somehow we separated. She was always with her boyfriend, or busy with school or something else. She doesn’t spend time with me the way we used to, and I’m trying to get used to it. In the end, it doesn’t matter to me. I love her all the same.

 It weird how fast time passes by, especially when you make your life worth living. Hold on the precious moments, don’t tell yourself that you wish you just grow up already. That’s not what you want. One day, you’ll look back and tell yourself “Wow, I wish I doing that again.” Time is so precious. It’s important. One of the most important things in the world. Don’t let those special moments slip by, and achieve your dreams before it’s too late.